Here are humorous readings about marriage... that timeless target of comedians and jokesters.
JOKES ABOUT MARRIAGE
A GENTLE DISSOLUTION
A couple of Philadelphia youths, who had not met in a long while, met and fell to discussing their affairs in general.
"I understand," said one, "that you broke your engagement with Clarice Collines."
"No, I didn't break it."
"Oh, she broke it?"
"No, she didn't break it."
"But it is broken?"
"Yes. She told me what her wardrobe cost, and I told her what my income was. Then our engagement sagged in the middle and gently dissolved."
A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of his neighbor's third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the two others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On being pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation:
"You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always accepting other folks's civilities when he never has anything of the same sort of his own to ask them back to."
It was in a churchyard. The morning sun shone brightly and the dew was still on the grass.
"Ah, this is the weather that makes things spring up," remarked a passer-by casually to an old gentleman seated on a bench.
"Hush!" replied the old gentleman. "I've got three wives buried here."
Two pals, both recently wedded, were comparing the merits of their wives.
"Ah, yes," said George, who was still very much in love, "my little woman is an angel! She couldn't tell a lie to save her life!"
"Lucky duck!" said Samuel, sighing. "My wife can tell a lie the minute I get it out of my mouth!"
They were a very frugal, fastidious old couple, and as a result they had a beautifully furnished house. One day the old woman missed her husband. "Joseph, where are you?" she called out.
"I'm resting in the parlor," came the reply.
"What, on the sofa?" cried the old woman, horrified.
"No, on the floor."
"Not on that grand carpet!" came in tones of anguish.
"No; I've rolled it up!"
DAD WAS WISE
When the conversation turned to the subject of romantic marriage this little anecdote was volunteered by H.M. Asker, a North Dakota politician:
"So you were married ten years ago. Took place in the church, I suppose, with bridesmaids, flowers, cake, and the brass band?"
"No; it was an elopement."
"An elopement, eh? Did the girl's father follow you?"
"Yes, and he has been with us ever since."
HIS SYSTEM WAS A COMPLETE ONE
"May I have a few moments' private conversation?"
The faultlessly dressed gentleman addressed the portly business man, standing upon the threshold of his office.
"This is a business proposition, sir," he said, rapidly closing the door and sinking into a seat beside the desk. "I am not a book agent, nor have I any article to sell. I have come to see you about your wife."
"Yes, sir. Glancing over the society column of your local paper, I am informed that she is about to take her annual autumn trip to Virginia. You will, or course, have to remain behind to take care of your vast business interests. Your wife, sir, is a charming and attractive woman, still in the bloom of youth. Have you, sir, considered the possibilities?"
The other man started to get up, his face red with rage.
"You--" he began.
"One moment, sir, and I think I can satisfy your mind that my motives are pure as alabaster. This is an age of machinery, of science and invention, and, above all, of efficiency. I am simply carrying this idea of efficiency into the domestic life, which, as you are doubtless aware, is so much more important than the physical. One moment, sir. I can furnish you with the highest credentials. This is purely professional, I can assure you. Will give bond if you so desire. My proposition is this: I will accompany your wife on her trip, always, when traveling, at a respectful distance, you understand, and it will be my pleasure as well as business to amuse and interest her during her stay. I do everything--play tennis, bridge, dance all the latest steps, know the latest jokes, can sing, converse on any subject or remain silent, am a life-saver, can run an auto, flirt discreetly, and, in fact, am the most delightful companion for a wife that you can imagine. Remember, sir, that unless you engage my services your wife is at the mercy of all the strangers she may meet and being in that peculiar condition of mind where she is bound to be attracted by things that would otherwise seem commonplace, there is no telling what the end might be. But with me she is perfectly safe. I guarantee results. I insure your heart's happiness against the future. Terms reasonable. I can refer you to--"
In reply the enforced host rose up, and, taking him not too gently by the arm, led him to the door.
"My friend," he said, coldly, "your proposition of safety first doesn't interest me. No, sir! I'm sending my wife to Virginia in hopes that she will actually fall in love with somebody else, so I won't have to endure what little I see of her any more, and here you come in to spoil my future. No, sir!"
His visitor turned and faced him with a bright smile.
"My dear sir," he said, "wait. Business man that you are, you do not understand the extent of our resources, which cover every emergency. In accordance with our usual custom, I have already met your wife at a bridge party, and I might say that she is crazy about me. Now, sir, for double the price of my regular fee and a small annual stipend, which is about half the alimony you might have to pay, I will agree to marry and take her off your hands in six months, making you happy for the rest of your life. Sign here, please. Thank you."
FACING THE TRUTH
Sanderson was on a visit to Simpkins, and in due course, naturally, he was shown the family album.
"Yes," said Simpkins, as he turned the leaves, "that's my wife's second cousin's aunt Susan. And that's Cousin James, and that's a friend of ours, and that--oh, now, who do you think that is?"
"Don't know," said Sanderson.
"Well, that's my wife's first husband, my boy."
"Great Scot! What a perfect brainless-looking idiot. But excuse me, old fellow, I didn't know your wife was a widow when you married her."
"She wasn't," said Simpkins stiffly. "That, sir, is a portrait of myself at the age of twenty."