These could be humorous quotes for teachers who want to spice up vocabulary lessons. Actually, these mischievous definitions were included in a unique collection titled, ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’, and later, ‘The Cynic’s Wordbook’.

45 Quotes From Ambrose Bierce

ABSTAINER: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

ABSURDITY: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught.

ACQUAINTANCE: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

ADMIRATION: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

AMBIDEXTROUS: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMNESTY: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

ANOINT: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

BACCHUS: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BIGOT: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

CLAIRVOYANT: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

CONFIDANTE: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

CONSERVATIVE: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

COWARD: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

DESTINY: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

EDIBLE: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

EGOTIST: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

GRAVE: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

HAPPINESS: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

INCUMBENT: A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

JEWS-HARP: An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger.

KLEPTOMANIAC: A rich thief.

LITIGATION: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

MONDAY: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

NON-COMBATANT: A dead Quaker.

OUTDO: To make an enemy.

PATIENCE: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

POLITENESS: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

PRESENT: That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

QUOTATION: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

RELIGION: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

REVOLUTION: In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

RUM: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.

SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited.

TELEPHONE: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

ULTIMATUM: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.

VOTE: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

WHEAT: A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.

counter easy hit

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