Clean kid jokes have been a favored subject of old fashioned American humor. Innocent observations are cute enough, but allow them innovative problem solving, and kids will come up with the darndest and funniest ideas. Always have.
JOKES WITH CHILDREN
KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY
A lady had the misfortune to lose her season ticket for the railway. On the same evening she had a call from two boys, the elder of whom at once handed her the lost ticket. The lady, delighted at the prompt return of her property, offered the boy a quarter for his trouble. The lad refused to accept it, telling the lady he was a Boy Scout, and that no member of the Boy Scouts is allowed to accept any return for a service rendered.
Just as the coin was about to be placed back in the purse of the lady, the boy, looking up into her face, suddenly blurted out:
"But my little brother’s not a Scout!"
A DEEP ONE
Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from the huckster's wagon, and the farmer told the boy to take a handful of cherries, but the child shook his head.
"What's the matter? Don't you like them?" asked the huckster.
"Yes," replied Johnny.
"Then go ahead an' take some."
Johnny hesitated, whereupon the farmer put a generous handful in the boy's cap. After the farmer had driven on, the mother asked:
"Why didn't you take the cherries when he told you to?"
"'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."
DOING UNTO HIS NEIGHBOR
"Hey, kid!" yelled the game warden, appearing suddenly above the young fisherman. "You are fishing for trout. Don't you know they ain't in season?"
"Sure," replied the youth, "but when it's the season for trout they ain't around, and when it ain't the season there's lots of 'em. If the fish ain't a-goin' to obey the rules, I ain't neither."
An old lady, who was sitting on the porch of a hotel at Asheville, North Carolina, where also there were a number of youngsters, was approached by one of them with this query:
"Can you crack nuts?"
The old lady smiled and said: "No, my dear, I can't. I lost all my teeth years ago."
"Then," said the boy, extending two hands full of walnuts, "please hold these while I go and get some more."
"Children," said the Sunday-school superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here are Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now, has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"
"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
Eugene was a very mischievous little boy and his mother's patience was worn to the limit. She had spoken very nicely to him several times without effect. Finally she said:
"You are a perfect little heathen!"
"Do you mean it?" demanded Eugene.
"Indeed, I do," said the mother.
"Then, mother," said the boy, "why can't I keep that ten cents a week you gimme for the Sunday-school collection? I guess I'm as hard up as any of the rest of 'em."
HIS GREAT AMBITION
No true American likes to acknowledge that he has a superior, even in his own family.
Little Sydney had reached the mature age of three and was about to discard petticoats for the more manly raiment of knickerbockers. The mother had determined to make the occasion a memorable one. The breakfast table was laden with good things when the newly breeched infant was led into the room.
"Ah!" exclaimed the proud mother, "now you are a little man!"
Sydney, thoughtfully displaying his garments to their full advantage, edged close to his mother and whispered, "Can I call pa Bill now?"
AND HE SUCCEEDED
Two youngsters, one the possessor of a permit, were fishing on a certain estate when a gamekeeper suddenly darted from a thicket. The lad with the permit uttered a cry of fright, dropped his rod, and ran off at top speed. The gamekeeper was led a swift chase. Then, worn out, the boy halted. The man seized him by the arm and said between pants: "Have you a permit to fish on this estate?"
"Yes, to be sure," said the boy quietly.
"You have? Then show it to me."
The boy drew the permit from his pocket. The man examined it and frowned in perplexity and anger.
"Why did you run when you had this permit?" he asked.
"To let the other boy get away," was the reply. "He didn't have any."
Jack disliked being kissed, and, being a handsome little chap, sometimes had a good deal to put up with. One day he had been kissed a lot. Then, to make matters worse, on going to the picture palace in the evening, instead of his favorite cowboy and Indian pictures, there was nothing but a lot more hugging and kissing.
He returned home completely out of patience with the whole tribe of women.
After he had tucked into bed mother came in to kiss him good-night.
He refused to be kissed.
Mother begged and begged, till in disgust he turned to his father, who was standing at the doorway looking on, and said:
"Daddy, for the love of Heaven, give this woman a kiss!"
"Daisy," remarked the teacher, "don't love your cat too much. What would you do if it died--you wouldn't see it again?"
"Oh, yes; I should see it in heaven."
"No, dear, you're mistaken; animals cannot go to heaven like people."
Daisy's eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly:
"Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do they get the milk?"
BEST OF REASONS
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," said the boys.
"Now," continued the teacher, "what I want to know is this: How is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't rush into my feet?"
And a little fellow shouted: "Why, sir, because yer feet ain't empty."
Jimmie giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast.
"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"
"No, sir," answered Jimmie, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and get back to the side where his clothes were."