|There once was a lady from Guam,|
Who said, "Now the sea is so calm
I will swim, for a lark;"
But she met with a shark.
Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.
|A fellow named Teddy Magee,|
Rolling homeward one night from a spree,
Met the parson, who said,
"Ah! drunk again, Ted!"
"Sho’ am I, parson,” gurgled Magee.
|I wish that my Room had a Floor!|
I don’t so Much Care for a Door,
But this Crawling Around
Without Touching the Ground
Is Getting to be Quite a Bore!
|A Tutor who tooted the flute|
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
|There once was a corpulent carp|
Who wanted to play on a harp,
But to his chagrin
So short was his fin
That he couldn't reach up to C sharp.
|There was a young lady of Crete,|
Who was so exceedingly neat,
When she got out of bed
She stood on her head,
To make sure of not soiling her feet.
|There was a man in Atchison,|
Whose trousers had rough patchison ;
He found them great,
He'd often state,
To scratch his parlor matchison.
|There was an old man in a hearse,|
Who murmured, "This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse.”
|There was a young man from the West,|
Who loved a young lady with zest;
So hard did he press her
To make her say, "Yes, sir,"
That he broke three cigars in his vest.
|There was a young sailor of Lyd,|
Who loved a fair Japanese kid;
When it came to good-bye,
They were eager but shy,
So they put up a sunshade and…did.
|There once was a maiden of Siam,|
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
"If you kiss me, of course
You will have to use force,
But God knows you're stronger than I am."
|For beauty I am not a star,|
There are others more handsome by far:
But my face; I don't mind it,
For I am behind it;
It's the people in front that I jar.
|A father once said to his son,|
"The next time you make up a pun,
Go out in the yard
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you're done."
|There was an old woman of Tweedle,|
Who sat down in church on a needle;
Though deeply imbedded,
'Twas luckily threaded,
And extracted at once by the beadle.*
*(A beadle was a minor church official/usher)
|There was an old fellow named Green,|
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen.
|There was a young lady of Lynn,|
Who was so excessively thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
|There was an old man from Antigua,|
Whose wife said, "My dear, what a pig you are!"
He replied, "O my queen,
Is it manners you mean,
Or do you refer to my fig-u-a?"
|There was a young lady named Perkins,|
Who had a great fondness for gherkins;
She went to a tea
And ate twenty-three,
Which pickled her internal workin’s.
|There was a young lady named Maud,|
A very deceptive young fraud;
She never was able
To eat at the table,
But out in the pantry, O Lawd!
|There was a young maid who said, "Why|
Can't I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I’m sure I can do it:
You never can tell till you try!”
|There once was a lonesome, lorn spinster,|
And luck had for years been a’ginst her ;
When a man came to burgle
She shrieked, with a gurgle,
"Stop thief, while I call in a min’ster!"
|There was a young lady named Hannah,|
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
More stars she espied
As she lay on her side
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.
A gentleman sprang to assist her;
He picked up her glove and her wrister;
"Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried;
"Do you think," she replied,
“I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"
|There once was a doughty young fly,|
Who said, "I will do it or die;"
So she took off her stocking,
A spectacle shocking,
And waded right into a pie.
|There was a young woman from Wilts|
Who went up to Scotland on stilts.
When they said, "Oh, how shocking
To show so much stocking!"
She answered, "Well, how about kilts?"
|There was a young lady of Lynn,|
Who believed in original sin.
She'd try to be good
As hard as she could,
And then she'd go at it a’gin.
|The Sultan got sore at his harem|
And invented a scheme for to scare 'em;
He caught him a mouse
Which he loosed in the house;
(The confusion is called harem-scarem).
|A canner, exceedingly canny,|
One morning remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
|A flea and a fly in a flue|
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee,"
Said the flea, "Let us fly,"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
|A Lion emerged from his lair|
For a short summer cut to his hair.
But the Barber he wept;
While his customers slept
As they waited their turn in the chair.
|There once was a happy hyena|
Who played on an old concertina.
He dressed very well,
And in his lapel
He carelessly stuck a verbena.
|One Saturday opulent Ollie|
Thought he’d go for a ride on the trolley;
But his pennies were few,-
He only had two,-
So he went and made mud-pies with Polly.
|There once was an arch Armadillo|
Who built him a hut ‘neath a willow;
He hadn’t a bed
So he rested his head
On a young Porcupine for a pillow.
|A certain young fellow named Beebee|
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
"But,” said he, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."
|There was a young person named Ned,|
Who dined, before going to bed,
On lobster and ham
And salad and jam,
And when he awoke he was dead.
|There once was a pious young priest,|
Who lived almost wholly on yeast;
“For,” he said, "it is plain
We must all rise again,
And I want to get started, at least.”
|There was a young lady named Ruth,|
Who had a great passion for truth.
She said she would die
Before she would lie,
And she died in the prime of her youth.
|There was a young lady of Skye,|
With a shape like a capital I;
She said, "It's too bad!
But then, I can pad,"
Which shows you that figures can lie.
|There was a young lady from Joppa,|
Whose friends all decided to drop her.
She went to Ostend
On a trip with a friend…
And the rest of the story's improper.
|There once was a man from Nantucket,|
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man,
And alas for the bucket, Nan-tuck-et!
But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket,
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan;
And as for the bucket, Paw-tuck-et!
|There was a young person called Smarty,|
Who sent out his cards for a party;
So exclusive and few
Were the friends that he knew
That no one was present but Smarty.
|There was an old monk of Siberia,|
Whose existence grew drearier and drearier;
He burst from his cell
With a hell of a yell,
And eloped with the Mother Superior.
|There's a lady in Kalamazoo,|
Who bites all her oysters in two:
She has a misgiving,
Should any be living,
They'd raise such a hullabaloo.