This description of a play could be a short humorous play itself.

Synopsis of the Play

The following synopsis of the play as given in the dialect of a New York newsboy is a bit of pure humor. There is no exaggeration in it---no wit, but it is pure unadulterated humor. It is a picture drawn close to life:

Two small boys were looking at the black and red posters on the boards of a Bowery variety theatre. The larger of the boys wore a man’s overcoat, the sleeves of which had been shortened by rolling them up till his red and grimy hands protruded. The big coat was open in front, revealing a considerable expanse of cotton shirt. His hands were thrust in his trousers pockets. The visor of his heavy wool cap had come loose, except at the ends, and it rested on his nose. His smaller companion wore a jacket and trousers that were much too small even for him. His hat was of black felt and of the shape of a sugar loaf. His eyes were round with wonder at the story his friend in the big overcoat was telling him. It seemed to be a synopsis of the play,---scenes of which were pictured on the boards.

“Dis duffer,” said the boy, taking one hand from its pocket and pointing to the picture of a genteel man with a heavy black mustache, “is the vill’n. It begins wid him comin’ on the stage and sayin’:

“Wat, ho! Not here yet?’

“Then an Eyetalian covy wid big whiskers---he’s the vill’n’s pal---comes on, an’ the vill’n tells him that the goil mus’ be did away wid, so he can git the boodle.

“ ‘How much-a you give-a?’ says the Eyetalian.

“ ‘Five tousand dollars,’ says the vill’n, an’ they makes the bargain. The Eyetalian is goin’ to make b’lieve that the goil is his’n; that he’s the goil’s father. Then he is goin’ to try to git her away f’m her friends an’ kill her. While they is makin’ the bargain a Dutchman and a African is listenin’, an’ when the vill’ns goes away, the Dutchman comes out, an’ says he:

“ ‘Maybe yer don’t was tink I hab heard sometings. Don’t it? I vill safe dot girl!”

“The next scene is in a big, fine house. An old woman, all dressed up swell, is tellin’ a young prig that the goil is heir to fifty tousand dollars, an’ dey don’t know who her fader an’ mudder was. She was picked up on the steps when she was a kid. The young feller tells his mudder that he don’t care who her folks was an’ that he’ll marry her anyway, even if she is blind. The ole woman goes out an’ a be-you-teeful young goil comes in, pawin’ the air ‘cause she’s blind an’ can’t see, an’ says she to the young chap:

“ ‘It can’t never be!’

“The feller he don’t b’lieve her, and tells her she’s givin’ him guff. After a lot of coaxin’ she owns up that she likes him, an’ he spreads out his fins an’ hollers:

“ ‘Then you do love me, Marie!” an’ she tumbles.

“Then an ole man wid a white wig come in---he’s the doctor---an’ he looks at the goil’s eyes an’ says that he can cure ‘em, but it may kill her. He takes out two bottles and says:

“ ‘In this is sump’n’ that’ll put yer into a sleep like death, will yer risk it?’

“ ‘Be this me answer,’ says the goil, an’ she swallers the bottle, an’ tips over on the lounge.

“Jest before the doctor is goin’ to fix her eyes the Eyetalian jumps in an’ says:

“ ‘Where is mia poor childa?’ an’ he won’t let the doctor do nothin’. There is a big row, an’ the Dutchman comes in an’ says:

“ ‘She don’t vas his child.’

But the Eyetalian lugs her off, an’ the vill’n---he turns out to be her cousin---gets all the money.

“The next scene is in the street. The Eyetalian an’ the be-you-teeiful young goil all dressed in rags comes along, an’ says she:

“ ‘I’m so-o-o tired,’

“ ‘How mucha money you gotta?’ says the Eyetalian, an’ she says she hain’t got no money. Then he goes to kill her, ‘an the Dutchman hops out an’ yells:

“ ‘You macaroni son-of-a-gun!’ an’ the Eyetalian lights out.

“The Dutchman he takes the goil into his house an’ comes out in the street. The goil’s feller comes along, an’ while they is talkin’ the Eyetalian comes back an’ sneaks in an’ steals the goil away. But the Dutchman’s dog follers him an’ shows the way to the cop an’ when they gets there they finds out that she’s gone. They find her in a dive where lots of Eyetalians is playin’ whisky poker for the drinks. There’s a big row agin, an’ the goil is took out an’ carried back to her home. In the row the Eyetalian gits all chawed up by the Dutchman’s dog, the cop lugs him off, an’ he’s sent up for ten years.

“In the last act the goil’s eyes has been fixed, an’ she’s sittin’ on the piazzer. The papers has been found, an’ the vill’n has hollered, ‘I’m lo-host, I’m lo-host!’ The goil is sayin’ how glad she’ll be to see her feller an’ look into his eyes, when the Eyetalian, who has cracked the jug, comes cre-e-e-pin’ along in striped togs, and says he to hisself:

“ ‘I will now have mia r-r-revenge!’

“The lights is turned down, an’ the big fiddles goe zub-zub, zub-zub.

“Then the Eyetalian creeps up an grabs the be-you-teeiful young goil an’ hollers, ‘I will killa you!’ an’ pulls a big knife out of his breeches pocket. The young goil yells, an’, jest as he’s goin’ to jab her wid the knife, they all rushes in, an’ the African pulls out a pop an’ lets the Eyetalian have it in the ribs, an’ the Eyetalian tumbles down an’ squirms, an’ the be-youtiful young goil faints away in her feller’s arms, an’ down goes the coy-tain. The End.”

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